I don’t usually do things like this so it’s new for me, but taking the time to write this, like I’ve seen it help others has managed to lift some weight off my shoulders.
I think I have hit my lowest over the past five weeks. And It’s been hidden behind a facade, as I feel there’s a constant appearance to maintain these days because it feels that as soon as you show you’re not okay, its seen as wrong to not be okay, and everyone wonders why you’re not the bogus happy self you created and chosen to display the world.
I’ve been stripped of just about everything that usually motivates me, or challenges me to keep fighting. I’ve lost interest in the things that I’m supposed to enjoy the most like my job and my car, it’s all just become un-enjoyable and bland to me, I lost my passion to want to do things that I’d usually do, design, tinker… I lost the passion to be me.
Week 5:
I lost something that was great, for once. And we’ll leave that…at that. I lost interest in my Car, it’s nothing special but a VXR Nürburgring Edition, its pretty fun, but it became just another thing to me. I got signed off work for the first time in 4 ½ years, for “Stress at work” – not like I’ve ever had that since I’ve been there.
But that’s how bad things had gotten for me, that I had to take time off to get away from it all, for a wakeup call. The stress of Work, bland daily routine, and the non-existent enjoyment of the car I’ve wanted since I was 15, had all just become normal after so long of just accepting “let’s take every day as it comes”. Things wear off, like novelty or rarity or something that just seems so regular and standard.
Week 4:
The conclusion of my first week off work and wasting the days away was reaching Tier 76 on the Battle Pass for Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare. Nothing much mattered and all I wanted to focus on was taking time away and just relaxing, away from all the problems stress and pull myself out the world, where I could see myself and my routine from a different perspective.
What grounded me over the fourth week of this low, was rekindling with old friends. Not something I do often, as there are few people I’ve closed out, or cut away over the past few years, but this was different. It gave me a sense of normality, inside of the unconventional routine I’m used to operating within and It was an unfamiliar feeling, but one that pulled me from the mood I had been in for a while, and they bought me out of my shell. Just following the Status-Quo seemed so normal but felt like it was the normal I needed, not the normal I follow. This bought out my true self, as a surprising but refreshing distraction, just what I needed to set my mind straight and pull me from the downward spiral I was heading for. This lot have been great for me and I look forward to more times with them. There are only so many words I can say to those that know who they are, that were there and supported me, without knowing, and you’ve all put me in a better headspace, so Thank you.
Here We Are …
Coincidentally the Title of this post.
The Last 3 Weeks
Well... These have been a rollercoaster. I returned to work with less but more stress if you get me? With less of a team and more of a Battle of sides, 1 best friend no longer part of us, as they’ve moved on to better things, but still in contact, my mind in two different states of where I currently want to be, what I want to do, and who I can count on.
So to combat this, I’ve taken a break from social media this past week, something which I’ve never done, but has been more than beneficial to me, allowing me to re-focus on what’s important, what I stand for, and what I'm capable of.
Time out isn’t always a bad thing, and it’s allowed me to speak to those that have been through worse than myself, but situations and feelings that I feel, I can relate to, and at the very least it has provided me with an insight into just how much I can do, despite the factors that weigh against me.
So What's Changed?
I’ve climbed back on my creative grind over the past week and a half. I’ve built plans to set up my company by the end of the year, fully registered and Trademarked, allowing me to work on what I want to, under my company name and advertising, to build a brand and my image. Future Projects are now properly listed and planned, giving me the time and resources that will enable me to continue to progress with them when the time is correct, all under my new Company Name, logo, and advertising, allowing me to redesign and rebuild My Archive, how I originally envisioned it to be. Im pushing harder than ever to get where i want to be, and I'm going for the big goals. Progressing is now my focul path, as a person, on my projects and in my work.
So, to tell you exactly where I am …. I’m not just Here… I’m way up front, and its where I’m remaining for the foreseeable future.
